*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
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“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions