Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
You Might Also Like
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
this is the news I live for
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it