Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
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Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
This sounds bad:
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.