My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
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If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise