I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.