My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
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Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
🤯🤯🤯
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.