One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
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Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”