I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
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Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge