Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
also my go-to takeaway order
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
#winning
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM