Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
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Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Thursday Thought.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*