Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
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[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
these two trucks have the same bed length
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…