I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
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I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
mmm onion ringos
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*