Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
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1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law