Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
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Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Body by Oreos
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
huge if true: the moon
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon