how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
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Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?