I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
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My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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