My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
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Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.