My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
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I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
What
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her: