ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
You Might Also Like
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.