Born to be mild.
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Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
me when i see my girls butt
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Livid.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.