Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 馃檲)
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You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom鈥o more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I鈥檓 on the phone
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
est茫o todos miauvindo?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 馃槒
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don鈥檛 hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.