Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
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Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I had to Stop for this
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved