The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
You Might Also Like
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder