The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
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To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.