Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
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I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..