Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
You Might Also Like
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
That’s fair
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.