Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]