society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
You Might Also Like
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition