hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
You Might Also Like
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
bro what is going on at twitter
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.