I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”