Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
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Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Pretty much. 🤣
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.