boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
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this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My background check bounced.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.