DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
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me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
United Steaks of America
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?