If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
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Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?