Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
You Might Also Like
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Batman v Dracula
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?