Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
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Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.