I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
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I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”