Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
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Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.