Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
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me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Me buying fruit and veg
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna