you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Just why bro?!
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
OKAY DAD
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.