The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
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Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Does this dress make me look cat?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.