Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
You Might Also Like
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours