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Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.