Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
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My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before