If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Sign of the day..
Home #decor warning.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.