Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
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Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance