*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.