I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
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After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
😂🤣😂🤣
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!