I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
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“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
gm
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials