CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
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No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
The dark side of Canada
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”